Stand-Up Comedy

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

I have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. It's the first time I'd seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wife's like, "How's Gary?" "I don't know" "I thought you went golfing with Gary today" "I did" "And you don't know how he's doing?" "It never came up." "Is he dating anyone?" "I don't know." "Were you two in the same golf cart?" "Yeah." "You're kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don't if he's dating anyone?" "I know he's got a new driver" "How is that possible that wouldn't come up?" "How is that possible it would come up?" "The hundred and fifty marker's there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. Are you dating anyone?"

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them." It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?"

Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me."

I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'...what a great country we live in. Dirt for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.

My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.

I don't believe in cancer walks. Well, I believe in them because they exist but I'd rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own t-shirt, that's not incentive. Plus I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk. I don't think cancer's sitting at home, 'What? How many people walked how far? How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt? That's crazy! I'm out of here!' Remission.

This friend of mine told me, 'Yeah, I dress this way to attract a guy, but I want to attract the right guy. I don't want to attract every slob on the street.' That's how cleavage works. It's not a smart bomb. It's not a laser-guided weapon. You might hit your target; there's also going to be a lot of collateral damage. You might hit the guy in the Porsche. You're also going to hit the guy with one tooth driving by on the bus.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?