Stand-Up Comedy

I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' Fuck that - get well now.

If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.

Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."

I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.

Let’s not pretend that anyone in here likes Nebraska. Have you ever wondered why theres storm chasers? An hour in Omaha and I’m looking for a tornado to take me any place. Get me the hell out of there, uh, no wonder there all fat it’s so they’ll stay on the ground.

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

Yeah, I would like a cup of black coffee please. ‘How would you like that coffee?’ How would I like the black coffee? Can you put it in a cup? Yeah, don’t just splash it on my face. ‘Would you like cream and sugar with that?’ Is it black cream? If not, I’ll take it blackity black, black. Filled with blackness. Devoid of all light. Think of the blackest thing you can imagine and double that blackness and take a black magic marker and fill in the gaps and put that into a black rocket ship and shoot that into the depths of black space and close your eyes and use that as a reference.

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!