Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

Eggnog, who thought that one up? “I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.” You know what eggnog really is. You’re not gonna want to hear it, but I’ll tell ya. It’s elf cum. You might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass.

When you’re having sex with somebody, you can say “yes”, you can say “yeah”, you can say “uh-huh.” But for some reason you can’t say “yep”. Yep, oh, yep, baby. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep indeed!

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.

"Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait up!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down."

If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.

Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or something: "Oh God, where'd you learn that, oh," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".

I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. ‘Leave me alone. Can'’t you see I'’m cold just right here?’”

I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked up!

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

Toblerones! It’s impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!

Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now."