Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

The other day my girlfriend complained to me “chivalry is dead. Oh, Anthony, chivalry is dead.” And I told her “No, baby, chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry is alive and well. You’re thinking of your mom.”

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury."

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘"That is cool".’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, "‘That is not cool"’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Right, but yeah, you say things, but sometimes you say some shit and then you think about it like two hours later, and you're like, "What the fuck was I talking about?!" And you get all embarrassed, like I was with this girl recently, right, and I was just totally in the zone, right, and out of nowhere I was like, "Oh yeah, my dick feels like corn." Sounded good at the time. She didn't even miss a beat, she was like, "Gimme the butter, baby, gimme the butter! Come on, Orville Redenbacher, pop that pussy!"

A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"