Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 12

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... Ok, man, slow down, we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

Cause you think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with fuckin’ castles. We just long for a bungalow or something.

White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ask a white guy who's he votin' for, like, "Hey, Bob, who you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy. So I was fuckin' my wife in her ass, right? And let me tell you, it was something else." "Yeah, yeah, but who are you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife in the ass, and you're asking me all these personal questions."

If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together? It's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment between us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"

I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bullshit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".

The Olympics is really my favorite sporting event. Although, I think I have a problem with that silver medal. Because when you think about it, you win the gold - you feel good, you win the bronze - you think, "Well, at least I got something". But when you win that silver it's like, "Congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers you came in first of that group. You're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you!"

Remember Jim Fixx? The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped dead of a heart attack when? When he was fucking jogging, that's when!

I was in a card store and they had cards that said 'Get Well Soon.' Fuck that - get well now.

I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Ya? You know what’s a fun thing to do there? Pack up and get the fuck outta there. It’s boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. That game must have been invented before fun, ‘cause it’s not. There’s only two ways for that game to end, either "This sucks let’s do something else," or "Owww, you hit me with the horseshoe."

Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.

You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is someone who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!" Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?! What are you stupid?!

There's certain ways when people they bit it and they show it on the news, you laugh. Like who gets killed by Bees? every time they come on the news, "Ahh a man was in Austin, killed by Bees". I just fucking laugh! How do you get killed by Bees? If your walking through the woods right... And you come to a bush and you hear Bzz just you know run away from that bush! Who's going near that bush going "Hey! Is that Bees? ... Ahh!" Dude fuck that I would punch every Bee in the face! Bees are not taking me out! Yeah fuck you Bee! It's a fucking Bee! I could understand if it was like killer Horses! That's scary shit! Flying through the air kicking you in the face! That's scary, fuck Bees!

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

You all have that friend who's quitting it. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I quit meat, and I feel great. I get up in at six in the morning and have a nice big bowl of oat bran. Then I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours. I eat another bowl of oat bran and go back into the bathroom for six more hours. All I do is eat and shit, I'm gonna live forever! My colon's the strongest muscle in my body right now. I could pass Elvis through my colon!