Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.

What’s that, son? Nah, we’re not going to church today, fuck that. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money? Go fuck yourself.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.

Anybody who's ever tried to quit smoking knows exactly what I'm talking about. It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. And people who have never smoked just don't get that. It's like, my wife goes "I don't understand why you just don't quit, Bill. Just put them down and quit." I go, "Baby, I am trying. It is hard." And she goes, "I'm sorry, Bill. I don't understand why you just don't quit." And I go, "all right. Why don't you quit yelling?" 'Cause you can't.

If I ever find out who told my son this, I will kill them. Apparently, somebody told my son there’s a wiener thief out there, and if he takes his hand off it, Wssh! They’re gonna snatch it away!

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

Would you look over there, there's a badger with a gun... can you see? Then new queue! You're in there!

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.