Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Don't use a peanut, a peanut goes rogue. A cashew contours to the tip as if to say, "Let's do this, I'm a cashew."

I swear on my unborn child's life i didn't eat your fucking ice cream.

Anybody who's ever tried to quit smoking knows exactly what I'm talking about. It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. And people who have never smoked just don't get that. It's like, my wife goes "I don't understand why you just don't quit, Bill. Just put them down and quit." I go, "Baby, I am trying. It is hard." And she goes, "I'm sorry, Bill. I don't understand why you just don't quit." And I go, "all right. Why don't you quit yelling?" 'Cause you can't.

What’s that, son? Nah, we’re not going to church today, fuck that. It’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe you money? Go fuck yourself.

As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names... ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?

Rickey Henderson, pick up the phone, man, it's me... you.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I wish they would just call the news: What's Wrong. 'Hi, it's six o'clock, here's What's Wrong. Now for the local news, here's the worst shit that happened the closest to you.'

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

So I think we need a new plan. Next time a country wants to take us on, 'stead of sending bombs, let's try this: send everyone in the country a color television and a satellite dish. And give 'em the basic package, not HBO - screw those people. And before the war starts, we make them all sit down. "Okay, we'll go to war with you. You want a piece of us, fine, fine. Before we go, I want you guys to understand us a little better, so you have to sit down and watch ESPN2 for 24 hours. 'Cause you watch ESPN2 for a full day, you're gonna understand America a lot better. 'Hi, we're America! We build monster trucks for fun! We developed the top fuel dragster, zero to three hundred thirty miles an hour in under five seconds, cause, pfft, we were bored. Piss us off, heh, and see what we build! And we may feel bad about it later! Ask Japan. But before we feel bad... we're gonna jack you up! And then we're gonna send you food! 'Cause we're America; we're schizophrenic. Don't mess with a nation that needs medication!'"

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn’t know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm at the airport, and they lost my luggage, so I go to the lost luggage department. I go up to the girl and say, "Excuse me, you lost my luggage", she said, "Has your plane landed yet", I said, "No princess, I'm just having an out of body experience... I'm just checking on It" There's your sign!