Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes


I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it’s like... "What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine."

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify - I have no interest in non-nude images.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

Nowadays you can’t even spank your kids. No, gotta give ‘em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, "Hey, welcome to fuckin' heaven." I'm like, "What did you say?" "Welcome to fuckin' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "Fuck, yeah, it's fucking heaven" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't fuckin' swear?" "No fuckin' where!" "All right, now you are getting the hang of it. Oh, yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding. You aren't in heaven, you're in hell. You've been punk'd." Arghhh! Damn you, Ashton! That was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife, you're a douchebag. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin' that geriatric for all eternity, that'll really throw the scent off the gay trail.

I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.

Women are really divided on abortion in this country. Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.