Quotes & Jokes by Andy Kindler / page 5
I don’t believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I’ll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don’t want to hear the introduction ‘you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show’.
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly.
They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.
The motto of my comedy workshop: “If I can’t make you funny, maybe you’re not. Ever think of that?”
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.
I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"
I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.
People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.
Next Fall Dr. Drew has a new show coming out: Overdosing with the Stars.