Bill Cosby Quotes and Jokes

151 quotes

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.

How long can you tread water?

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

You know my father's favorite game? "Come here and pull my finger."

My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.

Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"