Bill Cosby Quotes and Jokes

151 quotes

A pelican that is wet walks with a gated limp, but a dry fish swims alone.

"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.

How long can you tread water?

Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?" The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that.

Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful" and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on-a-rope.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.