Quotes & Jokes by Billy Connolly / page 9

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is always something at the bottom to surprise you!

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.