Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 6

You guys like impressions? Why?

People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I don’t watch you when you sleep. Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep.

I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.

No one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you.