Bob Hope Quotes and Jokes


I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Welcome to the Academy Awards - or as it`s known at my house, Passover.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

You can always tell when a man's well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.

Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?