Marijuana is not a drug! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck dick for marijuana?
Bob Saget Quotes and Jokes
Jared, don't fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat - no, listen. No, fuckin' listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat... why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It's a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they'll eat fuckin' junk. They'll chew it up. Have you ever watched 'em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off, Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you'll have like a tit - a tin plate, where your - a tit plate. You'll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.
I have an ex-wife, can you tell - Cock shit fuck - but... I have a wonderful ex-wife, I really do. She's a great mom, and she's doing great. She's fuckin' rich - that's hey boyfriend's name.
So, fuck that shit. That's... eww. Who came up with that? "Fuck that shit." No thanks, I'm good. Do not - Kids, don't fuck that shit. You'll get an infection. You listen to me, I'm a doctor and a pharmacist and a 9-1-1 operator. I know what the fuck I'm doing. Don't fuck that shit. That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon. "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read."
I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.
Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.
I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.
Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.
You can cauterize your asshole shut, you understand me? And then when you fart, it has nowhere to go. I'm not fuckin' around, it goes into your body and into your heart and you have a fart attack, is what you have. And you will die from that, and your last breath will be a burp and it will smell like shit.
I am fucked up. I apologize from the bottom of my cock. I'm sorry for my ass and my sack. It's my fault, my bad. Who's your daddy? Say my name, look me in the eye.
Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Isn't that a three-way?
I have a food party trick. Get some whipped cream or butter, put it on a table, and say, “Everybody ready? This is my trick.” Then I’ll wipe whatever white substance it is all over my mouth and go, “I got the job! I can’t believe I got the job!” That’s my party trick. It’s so stupid, but I’ll still do it.