Quotes & Jokes by Carol Leifer / page 4

61 quotes

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.'

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".

You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.

My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.

They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.

Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.

As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn't it annoying? Clutters everything up. I'm starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.

Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.

I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.