Chelsea Handler Quotes and Jokes

258 quotes

All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.

I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose - he was a tricky little fucker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.