Chelsea Handler Quotes and Jokes

258 quotes

I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.

All he ever talked about was threesomes. He's all like, 'Chelsea, you're really gonna like it. It's really popular in Europe.' I'm like, 'So is David Hasselhoff.'

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

I recently had sex with a midget. Not on purpose - he was a tricky little fucker. He kept giving me shot after shot after shot of tequila and would keep getting taller and taller and taller.

Who hasn't taken birth control pills to treat menstrual cramps? That's like me going to give a blowjob for menstrual cramps.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father.

Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one... and I enjoyed being her.

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly sleep in separate bedrooms of their mansion, because Tom snores. They also have their own bathrooms... in case Katie has to get up in the middle of the night and ask Tom’s permission to pee.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.