Chris Hardwick Quotes and Jokes

59 quotes

I realized my penis is like a retarded little brother. It means well, but ultimately it's driven by curiosity and the need to be hugged.

Don't try to talk to me about sports. If a guy comes up and starts spitting out stats and what happened in the most recent game, to me, all he's saying is: 'Hey let's punch each other in the cock right after we pound these energy drinks out of a douche while we fuck our Ed Hardy t-shirts at dickhead camp.'

Kids who are the product of old sperm are not right. The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich. That is a very simple formula.

Ladies, I will fuck you with my second place chess trophy. I have a first place chess trophy but the second place has the bishop on top - and that is for you.

Alcohol is like pouring smiles on your brain.

Sober strip clubs are horrible. When you are sober you see the matrix code behind a strip club. You're paying girls to pretend to like you until you run out of money so they can walk away.

All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest - with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'

I'm going to start referring to anal sex as "getting accepted to Brown".

You walk into a strip club with a wad of cash; they all flock around you. Strippers are just pigeons with tits. They go where the bread is.

I honestly think hipsters eat with their assholes because they consume everything wrong.

The war is over. The Nerds have won. This was no accident.

Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?

If you’re able to build from your falls you’ll be unstoppable and damn near fearless. You see, every time you fall down and get back up, you add another piece of body armor to yourself. You learn what not to do, how to do better, and how to create comfort through practice.

I dated around some, but I've always been a serial monogamist. I don't know how people date around a lot, and not want to stab themselves in the face with a sharp object.

Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.