Craig Ferguson Quotes and Jokes

377 quotes

Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

You know your heavy metal band's going to suck when you've got a clarinet player.

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

There are rumors that Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are back together. I just want that adorable little girl to be happy again. Maybe Selena can get something out of it, too.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

Three things to think about before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

High school is tough on anyone, an absolute rule of the Universe being that if high school is not a buttockclenchingly awkward, emotionally difficult, and unpleasant time of your life, then the rest of it will be a crushing disappointment. Academic success is desirable, popularity - the only thing that most students really desire - is not. Those who excel socially in high school are truly damned. The homecoming queen does indeed bear the mark of the beast.

Nobody talks about sex in Scotland. Scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'