Dana Gould Quotes and Jokes

294 quotes

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

They only seem to be talking to themselves. What if they're not? What if they're actually synchronized? What if for every guy walking by himself going, 'Nobody tells a navy man when he's had enough to drink 'cause only a navy man knows when he's had enough to drink,' maybe there's another guy, 30 miles away, walking by himself going, 'Shut up! You weren't in the navy. Kiss my butt. I don't need this.'

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Horses are among the most regal, majestic creatures to hold up traffic while they stop to shit in the street.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’