Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 18

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have names picked out, first kid boy or girl I don't even know, the first one that comes out I'm naming him Hrrrrrrrr. I think it's beautiful, it's feminine but it's strong at the same time. Time for bed Hrrrrrrrr... I said time for bed HRRRRRRRR! No cookies HRRRRRRRR! Typical Hrrrrrrrr! Daddies on the phone Hrrrrrrrr. Daddies on the phone. I'm gonna name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoon, I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'd be great. You'd be like Optimus Prime come here for a second. You sit next to Megatron we're gonna have a chat right here. I am the Cobra commander ...HRRRRRRRR, I said no cookies! This fucking HRRRRRRRR is driving me up the fucking wall! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

Are there glass shards in my anus?