Dave Chappelle Quotes and Jokes

107 quotes

Then Jasper said "Look here, nigger, if anyone's gonna have sex with my sister, it's gonna be me."

I hate you. I hate you. I don’t even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you and nobody else but you.

Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.

All these years, I thought I liked chicken cause it was delicious; but turns out, I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken!

Lady, I'm just a nigga that loves titties.

Terrorists don't take black hostages. That's the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, 'Uh... they is treating us good. Uh we are chilling and shit. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!'

The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.

Hey, niggers! Turn that jungle music down! Woogie boogie, nigger! Woogie boogie!

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "Bitch! I live in a fucking trashcan!"

Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!