David Letterman Quotes and Jokes

180 quotes

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."

The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!

You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey.

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

There is no off position on the genius switch.

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"

Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.