United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
David Letterman Quotes and Jokes
We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.
The weather's so cold in New York right now. And when I walked through Central Park this morning, I saw a squirrel warming up his nuts!
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.