Quotes & Jokes by Denis Leary / page 6

Marriage is like a dull meal with the dessert at the beginning.

I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.

It's always great to get word that you've been picked up for another season, ... We're really hitting our stride and have great story lines already mapped out for next year.

Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual.

I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!

Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it.

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.

I'm in my truck talking to Jesus. And you can see a World Series ring on my right pinkie finger. But when I take my sunglasses off a second later, it's gone. It's the whole divine intervention thing. You know Jesus had something to do with them winning.

White men have screwed this country up! I would like a black, female…. everything all rolled into one.I want something different. I want a real change. People, I want a president who speaks well, who has a sense of humor. This guy is such a moron! It's beyond the point where it's a joke. He's an idiot.

I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.

[Imitating a whining vegetarian] "Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"

I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.