Dennis Miller Quotes and Jokes

146 quotes

German reunification: I view this in much the same way I view a possible Dean Martin - Jerry Lewis reconciliation: I never really enjoyed their work, and I'm not sure I need to see any of their new stuff.

Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

The Left believes in cradle to the grave assistance, it’s just sometimes really tricky making it to the cradle.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?