Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 9
You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.
South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!
I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
Hell, the vows are scary enough. I mean, "We are gathered here to witness the joining of two people..." Joining. Could we come up with a slightly more industrial term, huh? How about "soldering"? Yeah, have a couple of guys from the machinists' union swing by, drop the welder's masks, and handle this part of the ceremony? You know, it seems like the only two times they pronounce you anything in life is when they pronounce you "man and wife" or "dead on arrival."
Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.
If you want somebody to repair your roads, educate your kids, or purify your water supply, you may want to turn to private enterprise, but if you want massive fuckloads of your enemies wiped out in record time, Uncle Sam is the man for you.
Everyone wants answers and wants to know what the timeline is. Unfortunately, it's a complex situation, and we don't have the final answers yet.
It's a shame about the fish, it's a shame about the lake. But it'd be worse if it burst and people died.
Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.
At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.