Doug Benson Quotes and Jokes

56 quotes

I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.

Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?

I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.

In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’

I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, 'If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?' Because most movies stink like 1929's garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - that's why! If everything didn't suck, then I wouldn't hate everything. It's that simple.

Willem Dafoe is a shithead.

People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.

The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.

Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"

She puts the "bra" in abracadabra.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I’m telling a lot of jokes about it.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

If I fell asleep right after sex, the prostitute might take some of my shit.