I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.
Doug Benson Quotes and Jokes
In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’
I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, 'If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?' Because most movies stink like 1929's garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - that's why! If everything didn't suck, then I wouldn't hate everything. It's that simple.
Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.
The musical number for Crash was one of the most depressing things I've ever seen. And not because it was about racism, but because it was horrible... and about racism.
People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.
The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.
I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.
Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"
I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, "I’m getting too old for this shit."