My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
Dov Davidoff Quotes and Jokes
First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.
Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”
Getting knee surgery - X girlfriend asked if I needed any help. My answer; no. My thought; I'd rather die than accept your help.
I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'