Dov Davidoff Quotes and Jokes

304 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.

Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.

The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

Getting knee surgery - X girlfriend asked if I needed any help. My answer; no. My thought; I'd rather die than accept your help.

Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"

Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'

I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.