Dov Davidoff Quotes and Jokes

304 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.

Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.

The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Gay people speak each others language in a way that we don’t as heterosexual people. You meet a girl. Initially, you want to fuck her. She don’t want to, because she’s a girl… With gay guys that’s a meeting of the minds. Being gay is like walking into a shoe store and like,"Sir, do you have a size 10?" and the guy says, "They’re all size 10s!"

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.