Dov Davidoff Quotes and Jokes

304 quotes

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

First it was the priests, then the thing with the boy scouts, and then it was Michael - now, it's the priests. It seems like every time adults are really hanging out with these boys - if this stuff is so prevalent, maybe we should stop pointing the finger at the adults, start looking at these sexy-ass boys.

Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.

The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.

I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”

Sex is for sissies. Real men are into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Getting knee surgery - X girlfriend asked if I needed any help. My answer; no. My thought; I'd rather die than accept your help.

I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'

This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'