Emo Philips Quotes and Jokes

230 quotes

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

'You look slinky,' I said to her at the top of the stairs.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

Ambiguity - the Devil’s volleyball.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.