Eugene Mirman Quotes and Jokes

90 quotes

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.

You tried to kiss me. I know you have $40. Thank you all so very, very, very much. You are the best! Thank you!. We did it, team. We did it. Good night, America. Good night, San Francisco. Good night, foreign countries with distribution from Comedy Central. I will now leave energetically to match your energy!

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.

I saw that Linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'Should have been more specific.'

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.'

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.'

Some of the shit marijuana does - we had no idea. Pot doesn't just kill the person who smokes it. It kills everyone within a mile around.