Eugene Mirman Quotes and Jokes

90 quotes

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

You tried to kiss me. I know you have $40. Thank you all so very, very, very much. You are the best! Thank you!. We did it, team. We did it. Good night, America. Good night, San Francisco. Good night, foreign countries with distribution from Comedy Central. I will now leave energetically to match your energy!

I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.

They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

There's this billboard in my neighborhood, and it says, 'Don't leave a baby anywhere,' which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street. Don't even leave it with a knife or a sword - even Excalibur.