Quotes & Jokes by Gallagher / page 4

I saw a can said Pepsi Free and I said "That means it don't have Pepsi in it. That's a Coke." Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no future. Bacon is not a career.

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume.

I wanna say something about my baby, Aimee. The IRS says I have to; I pay her $20,000 as a writer.

We go to school to learn to communicate, but all the teachers say to us is "shut up!"

What makes Teflon stick to the pan?

Do you need a pain reliever that works? Picky shits, ain't ya?

I have spent my life paying attention to my art form, developing my art form, worrying about my show and what I'm bringing to people, making sure that I give them a fine trade.

This I before E stuff would've screwed up Einstein. He's got it wrong twice in his name.

Why do Cowboys wear a spur on each boot? If one side of the horse moves, the other side goes with it.

So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married to an idiot!

I know what people laugh at. I know their vocabulary.

If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hand, what would they do, say... under your arms?

I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.

Why are all the home-ec teachers divorced?