George Carlin Quotes and Jokes

507 quotes

I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. They're privileges. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter.

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

Can’t we silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win and never mention his name when they lose? You never hear them say, "Jesus made me drop the ball" or, "The Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage."

I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.

I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bullshit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".

What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!