Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 33

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

What year did Jesus think it was?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."