Greg Behrendt Quotes and Jokes

138 quotes

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you’ll find it begins to move on after a while.

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

Everybody I know is bizarrely beautifully fucked up in some way.

Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

I’m anal and forgetful. That’s a bad combo. That mean I like my shit where I like it and I don’t know where the fuck it is. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

Don’t idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don’t idolize people… Because they’ll let you down.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who’s really into you.

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges.