Iliza Shlesinger Quotes and Jokes

33 quotes

The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I’ll go with the fries.

Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

You can’t go to the bathroom alone… you might not come back. Cause no girl’s ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It’s true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

The next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys - a bar, a club, Little Caesars, whatever you like to do - and you see a guy that's hot, go up to him and punch him in the face. If you're hot, he'll be like, 'That was really cute. Why did you punch me? You're so adorable, that didn't hurt. Come back, let me show you how to punch. Don't put your thumb in, you'll break it. Let me cup your boob uncomfortably while I show you this.' If you're ugly - boom. He's knocking you out 'cause no guy's going to take that from an ugly chick.

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

I grew up watching and admiring Adam Sandler, it started with “Saturday Night Live and his albums, then I became a huge fan of his movies. “SNL”, “Kids in the Hall,” and “In Living Color” – their characters were huge influences and eye openers to other worlds of comedy for me.

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

I don’t tend to like race jokes. I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both. Well, I’m not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

Never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm. That is their time to shine.

It’s our first date but I don’t want to go on a date. I wanted to do it in the daylight with animals so it couldn’t be misconstrued as anything in case he’s the worst.