Jack Benny Quotes and Jokes

44 quotes

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.