I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny Quotes and Jokes
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!