Jack Benny Quotes and Jokes

44 quotes

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe.

Did you know "execrable" means "lousy?"

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.

The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.

Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!