I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny Quotes and Jokes
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It's not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.
It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.