I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny Quotes and Jokes
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up - and walked out!
Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, "Who cares?"