Jackie Mason Quotes and Jokes

52 quotes

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

'What is the meaning of life?' is a stupid question. Life just exists. You say to yourself, 'I can't accept that I mean nothing so I have to find the meaning of life so that I shouldn't mean as little as I know I do.' Subconsciously you know you're full of shit. I see life as a dance. Does a dance have to have a meaning? You're dancing because you enjoy it.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say "I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!"

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish. He's a janitor, but he owns the building!

Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.