Jackie Mason Quotes and Jokes

52 quotes

'What is the meaning of life?' is a stupid question. Life just exists. You say to yourself, 'I can't accept that I mean nothing so I have to find the meaning of life so that I shouldn't mean as little as I know I do.' Subconsciously you know you're full of shit. I see life as a dance. Does a dance have to have a meaning? You're dancing because you enjoy it.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say "I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!"

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

Frankly, I'm in shock. I just can't believe it... even though I had every reason to expect it.

I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish. He's a janitor, but he owns the building!

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!