Quotes & Jokes by Jerry Seinfeld / page 9

138 quotes

Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?'

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.

I'm really enjoying this. Could this be a weekly series?

Stand-up is hard.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings.