Jim Carrey Quotes and Jokes


Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

He who hesitates, masturbates.

Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night.

Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?

I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.

The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!

Here it goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yeild at a crosswalk, I changed lanes in the intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!

Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!

So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.