Jim Carrey Quotes and Jokes

139 quotes

Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

He who hesitates, masturbates.

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night.

Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?

Here it goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yeild at a crosswalk, I changed lanes in the intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!

Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!

Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!

Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!

The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.

I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I'm just trying to create a good one for myself.

50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.