Jim Carrey Quotes and Jokes

139 quotes

Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night.

He who hesitates, masturbates.

You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!

The early bird gathers no moss! The rolling stone catches the worm.

Here it goes: I sped, I followed too closely, I ran a stop sign, I almost hit a Chevy, I sped some more, I failed to yeild at a crosswalk, I changed lanes in the intersection, I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!

What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?

Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

I was just blow drying my hair, thought I heard the phone ring. Ah... has that ever happened to you? Anyway... call me, we'll talk about it.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.

Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!