Milton Berle Quotes and Jokes

116 quotes

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

I remember the first time I met Cynthia it was at the beach. I was digging for clams and I came up with her.

He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property.