Quotes & Jokes by Milton Berle / page 7

116 quotes

That is not a Bob Hope joke! That is a no hope joke.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I always wanted to write a book about you Cynthia, but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hounds of Baskervilles.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

How proud you were when they named you America's best... then you found out they meant America's beast!

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.