Mort Sahl Quotes and Jokes

69 quotes

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

If you can't join them, beat them.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

He was wearing a velvet shirt open to the navel. And he didn't have one. Which is either a show business gimmick, or the ultimate rejection of mother.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.