Ray Romano Quotes and Jokes

109 quotes

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.

My twin boys are two and they’re cute… but when they become adults, the danger of identical twins, I hope they’re handsome. Because if they’re even slightly ugly, there’s two of those. You notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room that’s no big deal. But if you see the same ugliness right behind him. “Hey! Look at that… I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw it again.”

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.

I had a very Italian house - the “plastic furniture you couldn’t sit on” house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it’s traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one’s ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.

Now, each baby is different, but this baby, whom we will call Hypothetical...

I remember the first time my wife (then girlfriend) came over to the basement. I spent the entire day cleaning it, just so I could say, “Sorry the place is such a mess.” I had to clean all day to qualify for mess status.

You try to pretend like you're paying attention to your family, but in the meantime, you're like "Grandma, can you pass the gravy? I'm open!"

I've since converted to a different sect of Catholicism - part-time Catholicism.

"Eulogy" which is the independent film I did this Spring is being screened this week, but I'm just part of a large ensemble cast, so they can't blame me totally if it tanks.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

I think maybe my four-year-old has come up with a new metaphor. We don’t want “everything out of life,” we want “everything and a kite”!

When you talk to a kid on the phone, you gotta remember the conversation could go in any direction. You just gotta get ready. There’s no segues in the conversation. “Dad, are you coming home tomorrow?” “No, I’m not.” “I have 1,000 pennies.”