Red Buttons Quotes and Jokes

123 quotes

Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!

Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, "We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay!" Never got a dinner!

Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, "You're a credit to your rice." Never got a dinner!

Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!

Crispus Attucks, who said, "Don't shoot till you see the whites!" Never got a dinner!

James Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, "You dirty rat!" Never got a dinner!

Sophia Loren, whose new baby asked her, "Is all that for me?" Never got a dinner!

Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, "I see the cotton, but where’s the gin?" Never got a dinner!

Eve, who asked Adam, "Does this fig leaf make me look fat?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!

Donald Trump’s mother, who said, "Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber’s chair! " Never got a dinner!

J. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!

Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!

Abraham Lincoln, who said, "A house divided... is a condominium." Never got a dinner!

Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!