Richard Jeni Quotes and Jokes


They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that - let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before - what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes?

When you talk to the manhood, mark your tone well. 'Cause if the manhood's insulted, then the manhood can't swell. If he doesn't feel strong, and he doesn't feel stout, then he'll sulk and he'll pout, and he'll never come out. So if you want that love to continue to thrive, Ladies, sit there, shut up, and let the dick drive.

Porno is just like any other drug; after a while you start building up a tolerance to it.

America - 20 million illegal immigrants can't be wrong!

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

They should just call it The Bad News. The bloodiest, most disgusting things that happened today packed into a half an hour, right before you go to bed. You thought you were scared before...

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Double, double, toil and trouble. A dash of menstruation, a little chardonnay, now you’ll be wrong no matter what you say!

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?'

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat".