Quotes & Jokes by Richard Lewis / page 18

276 quotes

God forbid I should have a simultaneous orgasm with anybody. My goal this year is to make love being naked.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

I had trouble with the last relationship. I got scared a little bit and had two Amish people come over who were friends of mine. They had an erection raising.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

It's low self-esteem. I understand; I was brought up with it. I go on the road - when I do concerts, I bring a portable Wailing Wall. I'm always prepared.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

For sanity,I just cut down my family tree.

Life's a beautiful thing. With every passing day I have more to worry about.

I people-please everyone but myself.

There was a big study in Boston, Harvard, a big medical test. Rats would rather starve than not do a Quayle joke.

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

The biggest plus of marriage is finally realizing that we are alone.