Rodney Dangerfield Quotes and Jokes


I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.