Quotes & Jokes by Rodney Dangerfield / page 26

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

They have the slowest bartender in town. If you ever wanna quit drinkin, ask him for a beer.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, "There's water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She said, "In a lake."

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

When I was a kid, I never got any girls either. One girl told me to come over, there was nobody home. I went over, there was nobody home.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.