Sam Kinison Quotes and Jokes

36 quotes

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or something: "Oh God, where'd you learn that, oh," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".

How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

We don't want to drink and drive... But there's no other way to get the fucking car back to the house! How are we supposed to get fucking home?

Kurds are the most fucked people on Earth. You know that. They might as well change their name to the Fucks, 'cause they're fucked. "We used to be the Kurds, now we're the Fucks!"

My favorite president, John F. Kennedy. Charming guy, great president. Fucked Marilyn Monroe. President of the United States and fucked Marilyn Monroe. What do you want?! I know some people give him shit about that, yeah like you wouldn't have. No you'd have been too busy studying the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. Yeah you wouldn't have wanted a piece of Marilyn, not you, no. Yeah you're too patriotic, fuck you, you'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK. You'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going: "You know, it doesn't get much better than this, does it? President of the United States. Dick in Marilyn Monroe. My finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. It doesn't get better than this."

You lying whore! You used me! You never loved me! I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood! Die! Die! Die! I want my records back! I want my fucking records back!

I'm not worried about Hell. I was married for two fucking years! Hell would be like Club Med!

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: "I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!"

Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid. Well, now I'm ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus, and... hey? Hey, what's this? Oh, God it feels like a man's dick in my ass! Oh, God! I'm dead! Oh, you mean life keeps on fucking you even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends!

I'm like anyone else on the planet; I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, those little kids starving and very depressed. I watch these things on TV and I see those commercials. And I look at it and I think, 'God how cruel, to see a little kid out there.' And I go, 'Fuck, I know the film crew could give this kid a sandwich.' You know that kid's not out there filming a letter from home with a Betamax. You know there's a director five feet away going, 'Don't feed him yet. Get that sandwich out of here. Doesn't work unless he looks hungry.'

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!

That's when you know you're pretty fucked up, when it makes sense to fall asleep... I was driving between Needles and Barstow... It's about 120 miles of desert... It's four in the morning, man... Hey, this is a pretty good time to go to sleep... So I totaled this fuckin' car out, man!... I fuckin' totaled it! And it made sense at the time!