Steve Martin Quotes and Jokes


How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

Into the mud, scum queen!

And don't forget to fasten your condoms! Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.

Always... no wait... never...

The new phone book’s here... The new phone book’s here... This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need... My name in print... That really makes somebody... Things are going to start happening to me now.

Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!

The banjo is such a happy instrument - you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that.

I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.

Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.