Steven Wright Quotes and Jokes


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...