Steven Wright Quotes and Jokes


A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.