Steven Wright Quotes and Jokes

623 quotes

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.