Steven Wright Quotes and Jokes

623 quotes

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "So, how far did you think you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."

My socks do match. They're the same thickness.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...