Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 31

643 quotes

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

The speed of time is one second per second.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?