Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 32

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I washed mud off of mud.