Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 33

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.