Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 34

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?